Bottom of the Barrel Finds

I have been faced with choices and decisions I never thought I would have to make for myself.
Things I never thought I’d have to do.
Relationships I thought would never have to end.
Frequent emotions and questions and wounds that I needed to mend.
But it’s crazy because time after time and pain after pain
It just got so much easier to pretend.
To pretend I felt nothing at all.
To pretend nothing bothered me.
To pretend to be strong when I was falling apart to save others.
To pretend that I wasn’t broken.
I was a shattered mirror whose reflection was intended to mirror Christ but it only mirrored defeat.
Everyone could see my demise and I was completely blinded as though something covered my eyes.
A mirror I thought wasn’t broken, wasn’t cracked.
And what I thought I’d put back together turned out to be random pieces simply patched.
The tape was dirty.
The glue was old and the pieces continued to fall.
I gave so much of myself away before I realized I never allowed myself to be filled again.
Despite the attempt of many.
Blinded by my need for strength and independence.
So I began to scrape the bottom of the barrel thinking that it would be nice and good.
But it turned out to be toxic and I poisoned those around me with darkness and defeat.
Because what I gave away was nasty and it was most of my defeat.
What I gave away birthed nasty habits and hate.
It’s been 3 days and I finally saw what I should’ve seen long ago.
It may now be too late.
But I’ve already lost
So what is another try?
What is another loss?
I lose nothing by trying.
What is another chance for hope and victory?
Hope for a final win.
Wish me luck, I’m about to make the trip.

until next time,
your average human

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